Relationships thrive when each person understands the needs of the other person. Need fulfillment is a two-fold process. The primary person responsible for fulfilling their needs is the individual. Our need to feel valued and important will only be satisfied when we genuinely feel it within our self .
External validation
Many people seek external validation from their spouse, couple, friends or environment. They grow closer to those who provide this to them and distant towards those that do not. Many go entire lifetimes basing their sense of self-worth, perception of being valuable and important on other people’s perception of them, never fully realizing that they hold the key.
Personal rules for feeling loved
Understanding what must be done towards the other in order for them to feel loved is essential for harmony in the relationship. Some individuals must be told, for example, I love you. Others may need to be shown by showering them with gifts. Others may need to make love regularly to feel loved. Everyone has their own personal rules for what it takes for them to feel loved.
Individuals needs
It is important for each person in the relationship to acquaint themself with each person’s needs. In the event of a marriage, the husband for example may feel the need to have both adults earning and contributing to the financial well-being of the family. The wife may prefer to stay at home and not work. If this scenario if not corrected it will definitely create tension down the line.
The wife may want the husband to do the laundry and grocery shopping as much as she does, seeking more of a 50/50 split. If the husband has a personal rule or belief that these tasks are to be done by the wife, count on tension and discord until resolved.
Pre-relationship discussion
It is most optimal to figure out each person’s needs, wants, personal rules, beliefs and perceptions that relate to relationships, marriage, parenting, work and money before entering into a serious relationship. Many divorces and relationship problems could be avoided by devoting time in advance to getting to know one another.
Self-responsibility
Honest and direct communication is an essential ingredient to a healthy relationship. Many people avoid honest and direct communication in fear of hurting or offending another person. In truth, if your intention is pure and you choose your best words you have done your part. If the other person becomes offended or defensive in response to your words you should simply be able to remind them it was not your intention to offend. We are responsible for our words and actions. We are not responsible for how the other person receives, interprets or internalizes our words.
Self-responsibility starts with taking full responsibility of our perceptions and interpretations.
Telling a person “you hurt my feelings” assigns a lot of power over to the other person. In truth, we cannot hurt another person’s feelings; the owner of the feelings decides whether they become hurt. If I grab your arm and squeeze as hard as I can and in response you tell me that I hurt your arm, this is no truer than the former statement. Even in the latter situation you have full and total control over your response even if your habitual response is to experience pain. This may seem extreme but it is very true. Self-responsibility is a hard concept for many to accept. It is important that we begin to do so. This transition precedes emotional maturity.
Kevin mendez - Spirit holds the answers. Love is your best option. Intuition is your internal guidance system that should be consulted regularly.
